Twenty.

I’m sitting at my desk, writing a paper way past my bedtime.  I’m burning candles because I like to think that I’m literally burning the midnight oil (wax?).  My heart is full, my bed is covered in cards, books, and presents, and my life is sweeter than fiction.  I am content in the most blissful, full of spaghetti and breadsticks, vanilla diet dr. pepper and new book smell way.  My birthday is over, with a trip to Oklahoma, a birthday dinner for 30+, and a small group birthday lunch in its wake.  I am sohappy. There are too many good friends to count, too many amazing cousins and aunts and uncles to mention, and too many blessings to try to thank God for.  Birthdays are my favorite, and this one has been exceptionally sweet and wonderful.

I’ve been avoiding this blog, because I wanted the words to be right and perfect.  People expect that, right?  I’ve had time to work on it.  Nine days since my last post, nine days to write and think and rewrite and rethink.  Nine days to really live and then pour that life into words.  Yet, there are no words for the kind of thankfulness I’m feeling and the kind of responsibility that comes with that joy.

I have so many friends.  I may complain that I have no one to hang out with and that no one understands at one point or another, but I know that I am always accounted for.  I am always cared for and loved in a constant flow of cards and texts and phonecalls and Starbucks coffee.  I was loved so well at a birthday dinner for 30+ at Olive Garden, at a lunch thrown by my ninth grade small group, and at a dinner at Poppa Rollo’s.  I was and am and will be loved by these sweet and remarkable people that I don’t deserve.  There is so much beauty in that.  There is beauty in celebrating life, and time passing and new friends and old friends and the continuity of God’s faithfulness.  There is beauty in having too many friends at a huge dinner party at Olive Garden and talking loud and sharing breadsticks and laughing and reading cards that are sticky sweet with the exact words you need to hear.  There is God in that, I think.  I see Him there.

I have such an impossibly wonderful family.  I have people to celebrate twenty years of thanksgivings, school pictures, long talks on the various porches of aunts’ houses, and group pictures (from clunky 90’s cameras to sleek white iPhones) with.  I forget what a lucky thing that is.  I shouldn’t say lucky, but blessed is so overused lately.  I want the word to resonate deep in the hearts of my family, but I can’t find one good enough.  I’ll just say this: each and every one of you make my life immensely more meaningful, beautiful, and full of joy.  I am me, because you are you.  You show me God’s love daily from all corners of the world, and you love me so, so well.  I have no words that would adequately describe what you mean to me.

Now, that I start a new year- from 20 to 21 (it seems impossible)- I have 10 resolutions for my 20th year.

1. Love more [more people, more actively, more, more, more]
2. Seek God every day.  Not just on the good ones.
3. Be okay with myself now, as I am.  Not ten pounds less, with a better haircut, or a better life.  Just me, as I am, is good.  God said so, and I’m choosing to believe in his assessment, rather than my own.
4. Be brave.
5. Be wondrously aware of God’s goodness, and His presence in my life.  I want to live in awe.
6. Actually be healthier, instead of buying some apples that I won’t eat and a cookbook I won’t read.
7. Write more.
8. Live life for God’s glory, and not my own.
9. Learn to cook.
10. Live purposefully, loving and breathing and working with everything I’ve got, because life is so precious.  Twenty years in a snap of my fingers, and I’m finally realizing what my mom meant about time going by so fast it doesn’t seem possible.

I hope you, out there in cyberspace, are feeling loved.  I hope you are somewhere comfy with lots of hot chocolate and a phone with a dozen family member’s numbers and friends to text at a moment’s notice.  If you are, don’t take it lightly- you’ve been given such a wonderful and breathtaking gift.  Appreciate it for all it’s worth, cling to it in the dark times and rejoice in it in the beautiful times.  Love those people with all you’ve got.  They deserve it, and you do to.

If you don’t have that right now, I ache for you.  I ache for that missing piece, but I rejoice with you because I know that God always, always provides.  He is present and working.  Allow Him to fill the gaps that seem too large in every sense, and I guarantee He’ll overflow them with joy and peace and comfort.I’m twenty.  I’m starting a new decade.  I wonder if the world is ready for almost-adult Callie.  Well, ready or not.

 

killing the lonely bug [and a weekly update]

This week has been absolutely insane.  I have had three tests, CG, two lectures, Crane’s Scholar Induction, and tomorrow night, I’m hosting Freshman Girls Movie Night.  I’ve been up early ever morning and up late every night, stretched thin and stressed.  This is one of those uniquely college things- where you’re busy almost all the time and can’t seem to find that moment for peaceful reflection.  My room is a mess and I somehow cannot keep the bottom sheet on my bed so I end up sleeping on the bare mattress and my desk looks like a binder of paper exploded over it.  I’m sleepy and happy and a little over-worked [make that a lot over-worked].  I’m so grateful to be nearing the end of crazy-week.  I’m also grateful for the fact that I am busy- that I’ve found things I’m passionate about, and friends I’m myself with, and am involved in classes that I love and am invested in.However, finding those friends and groups takes time.  Loneliness creeps in and you doubt yourself.  You wonder if you are messed up because you don’t have these things yet, and the doubt overwhelms you.  When I find myself there, I remind myself that God is so careful to love us more than we need & to be there for us always {so why am I lonely?}.

We are provided for.  We are cared for.  We are loved.  We are never alone.  How desperately I need to remind myself of this when loneliness tries to creep in.  Loneliness does not mean that you are alone.  Loneliness is a sign that it’s time to invest more time into your relationship with God and be more aware of His loving presence in your life.  By “aware”, I don’t mean passive awareness, but an active, seeking, excited and eyes-big-with-wonder awareness that God is good and that he is good to you.My biggest issue with loneliness is that I normally bring it about completely on my own.  I’ll be hanging out at my apartment, doing homework, and suddenly realize that all of my roommates are out.  I immediately begin questioning myself: Should I be going out? Am I not social enough?  When, in reality, I really do need to get this homework done and I don’t have time for social anything at the moment.

There is a big growing-up-moment where we all have to say at some point: I’m looking at life like an adventure.  I’m taking things as they come and viewing myself as an intrepid creator of my own life; a creator who will discover for herself what she enjoys doing in her free time, how much time needs to be dedicated to school, and finally; how life looks as a single Christian college student. What does my life look right now?  It’s bible studies and freshman mentoring and class and homework and chocolate milk and cheez it’s and apartment life and roommates and scholar groups and non scholar groups.  It’s breakfast at Lula’s with friends and a good book before I go to bed and one of Abbie’s mom’s amazing chocolate chip cookies.  It’s my life and I am deciding and discovering how I want to live it, and how to best live my life in a way that glorifies God.Loneliness and fear and self doubt are not needed.  Be brave today.  Be aware that God is with you always.  Be aware that you are courageous and beautiful and smart.  Be aware of yourself and your strengths.  Maybe just be aware of your blessings.  Simply, be actively aware- be thrilled aware- be wondrously aware.